Laugh It Up...I Did

One of the reasons I started this blog was to be able to share my experiences with others. The highs and the lows and even my most embarrassing moments. Let me start by saying I can't help it or control it so don't go sticking your nose in the air saying, "Oh she's so disgusting." I've written about my stomach issues before and if you're a regular reader you know that I suffer with IBS. Yep, you know where this is going.

I was asked to join three other runners for an 8 mile run earlier today. I planned on going with them but felt really tired after work and decided to take a power nap. I got up 5 minutes before we were suppose to meet and thought maybe I could still catch up with them. Thank goodness I never did. 

I had 5 miles on my training plan for today so I headed out with just my iPod; no toilet paper and no phone. Everything was going just fine until around 4.5 miles. My stomach was feeling just fine and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, from the evil depths of h-e double hockey sticks came a noise. I heard it laughing at me as I turned 360 degrees looking desperately for a place to go. No trees, no buildings, no coverage whatsoever, and the ditch was full of snow and water. I had no phone to call anyone, no toilet paper to use, and no idea what I was going to do. I had to think fast. This was the busiest time of day on that road with everyone headed home after work. I stopped to walk and tried to start running again but I just couldn't hold it any longer. I frantically looked around but I had no other option but to just go on the shoulder of the road. I prayed that someone I knew would drive by and give me a ride or let me use their phone. Even just to cover for me before I went in my pants. I saw a break in traffic and kept telling myself to go before I missed the opportunity and had to bare my behind to poor passerby's. I couldn't do it, but I couldn't hold it much longer either. I started pulling grass out of the ground to have something to wipe with. I pulled and walked, pulled and walked, pulled and walked just waiting for cars to pass hoping a miracle would happen. I saw a few people I knew but they went by too fast for me to wave them down. "Oh just kill me now." I finally saw a break and had to take the chance. I know the next lady that came along saw what I was doing and as I stood up quickly I just pretended to play with my iPod. Unfortunately I caught her eye and she seemed to look at me like I was crazy. Hey, I'd be crazy if I pants my poop.

But it didn't end there. Oh no it got much worse. I thought I'd be fine until I got home but again my stomach was laughing at me and making me so miserable. Stomach transplant? Yes there should be such a thing. This time I had some woods to try and cover myself with. But I really didn't care anymore. I was about to pants my poop and I was desperate. This time there was snow to go through. I thought maybe it had melted enough to pack itself down so I started to run towards the trees. After a few steps I sunk in the snow up to my thighs. I couldn't quite get my left leg out so I started crawling. I was able to get back up and take a few more steps, but then I fell through again. This time I could barely move. Frantically I started crawling, reaching for a tree branch that wasn't even within reach. Instead I grabbed at the snow. My legs were cold and my shoes were filling with cold pellets. Branches were poking me everywhere making it difficult to get to the back side of the tree. I started singing "I don't care anymore. I don't care anymore." Trying to drag myself over the snow towards the tree before my stomach erupted. Finally I fell into the hole around the tree and got tangled in branches. I was breaking them as fast as I could  My shirt got caught in a branch but it didn't matter. I couldn't hold it any longer. I didn't care who saw me at this point. The tree only provided enough cover for my rear but "I don't care anymore. I don't care anymore." A few cars went by but I was crouched down enough and I was wearing all grey (one plus for me). The snowball toilet paper worked rather well and all that was left to do was laugh. There I was squatting behind a tree laughing at myself. That is why I'm so glad I ran by myself. Actually I wish I didn't run at all but then I wouldn't have anything to share with all of you. Have a fabulous night! It has to be going better than mine.

(Yeah kind of like that)